Monday, October 29, 2012

The Tears I Cry Aren't Tears of Pain (and the things I say to myself)

I cry at the slightest provocation, I'm your run o' the mill, garden-variety crybaby. Touchy commercials, sad movies, hell I cry at the drama the unfolds live during those "sugod-bahay" segments at Eat Bulaga. I relate a sad story and my eyes well up. It's just how I'm built. I don't see it as a sign of weakness though others may. It is just biological.

Another thing that brings the water works in is when I'm angry and I don't want to be. Anger is the emotion I hate the most (and I seldom use the word hate). When I am so angry, I get angrier at myself for being angry. I guess the only time I feel I should manage myself is when I get mad. When you're angry you get partially blind and deaf. You only see things your way and you only hear the thoughts in your head. That is the road to isolation, self pity and low self esteem. Being the gregarious person that I have am I simply do not wish to waste time wallowing in my grief. There is just so many more things I can occupy my brain with. 

That is why I have trained myself to shun anger, that's not to say though that I don't get angry because I still do. But it is the kind of anger that quickly turns to reason. My heart rate goes slower, my voice grows softer and my words become almost kind if not reasonable. I'd like to think that I have mastered the art of tactful discourse. When I am at my angriest I force my mind to shut out my anger and let reason prevail. I still shed the tension tears, which is the result of my efforts to process my anger. 

I'd be a fool to expect this kind of self-management from anybody, but anyone who wants a fight with me will go home empty handed. I think it is so much better if one party in a battle would just take the default stance of reason. "Don't raise your voice, improve your argument" says Archbishop Desmond Tutu. It could be terribly boring but hey I'm not out here to entertain.

Author: Monie Maunay



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